Surviving the Loss of a Child
Apr 7, 2010 Loss of a Child
They say the death of a child is the greatest loss. I would say that I believe that. I lost two. If you’re a mother I think you’d tend to agree. If you’re not you can’t vote on this one because only a mother can know the severe pain and grief that comes with the death of her child. Surviving the death of your child and the grief that comes with it is your new lifestyle. I’m 50 now and I’ve been through multiple deaths and obstacles in my life and they seem like Christmas now compared to losing my Sons Gabriel and Josiah. I’d like to help you survive the deep pain and grief that comes with the loss of a child. Your child.
It has only been two years since I lost Gabriel at 24 years of age and three years since I lost my baby boy Josiah at 17 years of age. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. A lot of the time grief is so painful. We ask ourselves “how will I ever survive?”. Doesn’t stupid death know that we are supposed to die before our children? It makes no sense. I hate you death. But you don’t scare me. Why? Because Jesus conquered death when he died on the cross for us so we may live forever with our children and loved ones. The bible says you just have to believe Jesus is the son of God, ask him to forgive you of your sins and ask him to live in your heart forever. It’s that easy. If you sin again, (don’t keep sinning on purpose silly) you ask him to forgive you again. The bible tells us about the apostle Paul and how he said he had to die daily. He didn’t mean physically. He meant spiritually. He said he had to ask forgiveness daily. Did he mean he committed huge sins daily? No, he meant he even ask God to forgive him when he offended someone or had evil thoughts. He knew Jesus already died for our sins and he had Jesus in his heart. How cool is that?
You’re praying and asking God to help you bear this heavy load of pain. While your praying, you’re thinking “God really doesn’t understand this huge hole in my heart”. Guess what? He does. He lost his only son. He watched his only child being beaten and nailed to a cross. Jesus died for us and we will live again forever and ever with our children. The bible says this life we now live is a vapor, a puff of smoke compared to eternity. I have to ask again, how cool is that?
In the book of Revelations, the last book in the bible, it describes Heaven. I encourage you to read it. When I lost Josiah so many people bought me books to help comfort me. But only one book was like ointment to my wounds. It helped with the healing of my loss. It was “Within Heavens Gates” by Rebecca Springer.
“She clings to the hand of God to keep from going wild, while in his presence comes to know his other hand holds her child” quote from an Angel Mom
The book is about a lady that had a vision or dream of Heaven while she was dying. I would close my eyes and try to imagine what she would describe. I wanted to know everything about the place my boys now lived. If your child was a missionary to a foreign country and couldn’t have contact with you while they were there you would get every book you could get your hands on that would tell you about the place your child now lived. Why? Because it would comfort you and help you feel close to them. Read this book. It takes you away from your pain for the moment and helps you visualize Heaven. It is so cool.
Another way that helps us to cope with the deaths of our children is “Journaling”. You can just write your feelings down or you can do like I did and write your child a letter and tell them all about how you are feeling at the moment and how very much you miss them. I’ve stained some of my journals with tears.
The healing process is a very long one, but together we can make it. You really believe that there hasn’t been any progress and you don’t think there ever will be. But believe me when I tell you that one day you will look backwards and come to know that you have taken steps forward. The other day I surprised myself when I walked outside and felt the warmth of the sun, saw the spring flowers and said “what a beautiful day!”. I was shocked, then realized I had made progress and ran and told my husband Brad.
Http://www.joemama-survivor.com
Dealing with the Unbearable Grief of Losing a Child
May 11, 2008 Loss of a Child
The loss of a child is something most parents cannot bear to even contemplate. It is such a horrible thought that most people do not envision it. They feel everything will follow the normal path of everyday life. Their children will grow to adulthood and go on to live happy lives of their own.
Cathy James who lost her daughter in an accident says, “The one thing I would hope if nobody does anything else is, please know that you will see joy. You will see joy again. There is help out there. Your child was absolutely a gift. If you had to do it all over again, you would have that child over again, because of how much you love them. You would still do it all again and have the pain, because you had the love.”
Cathy and Frank James live every parent’s greatest fear. Every day they grieve the loss of their 17 year old daughter, Valerie. Their journey of grief led them to write a book explaining strategies they used to deal with the emotional pain of their loss. They are committed to helping one parent at a time cope with the aching loss of a child.
Using their proactive strategies will assist those suffering from a devastating loss, coping in the days to come:
- Don’t try to rush the grief journey. Let it be in your own time. Everyone is different and grieves in his or her own way.
- Find what works for you.
Do something special to honor your lost child. Make it a monthly or yearly project. Get the other members of your family together and coordinate it. It can be anything that makes you feel closer to your child: scholarships, memory gardens, scrapbooks, gift baskets to your child’s friends. There are a number of things parents can do to keep their child’s memory alive.
You need to move forward. Find ways for you and your family to adjust to the loss.
- Rearrange the seating at your dinner table so that the empty chair will not always be a reminder that a family member is missing. Do the same thing with the family car. Sit in a different place than you normally do.
- Physical activity helps. Whether it is walking, biking, swimming, or just walking the mall, the activity helps you cope as each day passes.
- Helping others is the best way to heal yourself. Get involved in a selfless project. The satisfaction and gratitude you receive from helping others will soothe you.
- Attend a grieving organization meeting. They are located in almost every state. They lend support and walk beside you in grief because they have lost children also.
Sometimes the days will feel just too hard to get through, but with the help of your family it will get easier. Develop a family plan; establish catch phrases or code words to use. If you or a family member realizes that the situation is emotionally unbearable, mention the code word and leave the situation. Once each member of the family hears the code word, you all turn and walk away, no arguments, no forcing, and no questions.
You are going to have good days and bad days. The love you have for your lost child will always be there. It never goes away, but realize that you will experience joy again. Do the best you can. Your grieving journey will teach you what is important in life: love, concern for others, caring for others, and doing things without the possibility of benefit to help others. Through all these things, you will learn about hope, joy, and the things that are of real value.
Follow these proactive strategies to cope with the loss of a child. There is no right or wrong method to learn to cope and there is no timeline to follow. Take your time; don’t burden yourself with self-doubt about what should be normal. You will find your way, feeling hope and joy in your life again.
Tags: child, Dealing, Grief, Losing, Unbearable
Depression related to loss of a child
May 7, 2008 Loss of a Child
The demise of a child during or a period after its birth is so unbearable to the parents and especially to the mother who is said to know the pain of delivering one.
There are so many untold stories out there about couples that confronted this loss the wrong way by not seeking the support of a counselor and the end result was terrible depression.
So often, spouses blame each other claiming that they should have prevented the baby from dying if only they did this or that, others want to try for one more right away while yet others become self-centered.
Just in efforts to grieve differently and forget their lovely baby, spouses may cut any communication channels to each other and start living like pure strangers in the same house.
With the continuous blame and each of them mourning separately, the marriage may not survive this difficult period, except if professional help is sought.
Such parents endure ample range of emotions that are so intense and fearful- except that counseling experts think they are just natural and expected.
What the counseling help does is not to guarantee that the pain of loosing ones child will go away or that parents can hop back to the cheerful personality they had before the loss, it facilitates the process of reducing the intensity of these emotions.
Most of us have been around such couples and especially mums mourning the loss of their babies and observe how much some try to remain composed on the outside.
Whether or not the pain and loss they feel inside will result to depression, the profound sorrow, poor concentration and longing is obvious.
Those mums, who are left by their husbands for another woman or blamed for the death of the child, may also bear suicidal thoughts on their minds and may even have the courage to do it.
The queries of why it happened and what if they took a different measure their babies would still be around bombard their brains.
This may then give rise to intense resentment, guilt, mania, self-denial, anxiety, poor performance of tasks, loneliness, insensitivity with others, fear, weight loss or gain and many others as some of the most common feelings of loosing a child.
Nothing good comes out of depression and soon or later, the spouse who is completely exhausted by the experience may invite other health related problems.
A counseling psychologist helps those who feel they are fully trapped in their anguish because they deal with such and even serious cases all the times and know the best approaches.
I also think that just like in any other form of depression, getting occupied doing other positive and constructive activities as a couple would help reduce the severity of the pain suffered.
I know that this experience is one of those that lack words to explain the depth of cuts left in the victim’s hearts or is totally incomprehensible, but there is help, first from God our maker, and secondly from other caring people.
Mourning for the loss of a child is a very prolonged, difficult and exhaustive journey, and even though the wounds can never be fully erased in the couple’s lives, seeking help at the right time and place is the very important.
Tags: child, Depression, Loss, related